I hate to feel that this man still has any type of hold on me. We divorced in 2021 after separating in 2020. As I sit here wrestling with feelings of shame, regret, anger and utter resentment I realize that the saying “Till death do us part” is still applicable even after divorce when you have survived trauma inflicted by a loved ones alcoholism. If you have read any of my other blog posts you already know that I was raised by an alcoholic father and had married a man who became a severe alcoholic with end stage liver disease and color cancer. Hence why I started this blog to express feelings of both past traumas and to move towards a healing journey.

I wish I could say I’m healed. That I’m over what my Ex-husband did to me, to us, to the marriage, to my credit score, to my son, to my career, to my self confidence and to my core of existence but that would be a lie. I’m not over it; in fact I’m even more mad to know now that what he did to me in 8 years he managed to do to his third wife in less than 3 years.

In June as I was home recovering from my hysterotomy; my beautiful, intelligent and loving step daughter reached out to me. She was distraught; he Father had been life flighted to a hospital from a County jail where he had been serving a mandatory 30 day sentence for a DUI. At that time they suspected a stroke. She asked me how to get a copy of his Living Will as the situation was grim and the hospital which my Ex-husband was a frequent flier from 2018-2020 had no record of this document on file. My mind raced as I tried to remember if I still had a copy of the Living Wills we had drafted in 2015 after our wedding. Nope. I had packed that all up and given to my Brother-in-law with file boxes full of hospital records and disability paperwork during the separation. Then I remembered that the Insurance office should have one on file.

My Stepdaughter informed My Ex-husbands third wife of the information I provided and they were able to obtain the records needed. I was still a walking medical journal of record keeping and file cabinet for this man and we had not been together in 4 years. Just like that; I was right back in that hospital with him like I had been for 39 major surgeries. I was recalling surgeries, medications, diagnosis’s, treatments and ultimately the final cancer scan that showed his colon cancer previously removed in 2019 had metastasized to nodules in his lungs. He was no longer a possible candidate for a liver transparent. The last carrot that dangled from the stick for him to be sober was snatched away by his cancer. I knew at that very moment my marriage would end as I knew he would never be sober. Waves of memories crashed down on me driving me down into the couch. All I had was time to remember the moment my Ex-husband refused any more help, walked out of Hillman Cancer Center in Pittsburgh and immediately went about burning the rest of our marriage to the ground.

My mind raced restlessly. Worried about my stepdaughter and her needs I reached out to get an update and make sure she was okay. The news was not good. Her Father was full of cancer; he had refused to continue any treatments after October of 2020, it had spread to his chest wall, his brain and the small nodules in 2020 were now large masses in his lungs. The gamma knife procedure in his brain removed the tumor however resulted in permanent right side paralysis and loss of speech. She told me once he woke up from surgery he told his Doctor that he wanted to seek treatment. The Doctor told her that any treatment would only cause more pain, shut down the liver operation that was left and would not save him. Time was not on his side due to his choices to not continue treatment in 2020. It was too late.

In the Summer of 2021, my Ex-husband’s partner (now third wife) assisted me with getting the divorce papers signed. I had him served with No Contact and No Trespass papers in Sept of 2020 due to his stalking and harassment when I asked him to leave the home. Facilitating a divorce was complicated and she graciously provided her assistance. I was grateful to her more than I could ever express at the time as I know now the lies that she was told about me I’m sure she must of thought me to be a heartless adulterer. Regardless of the stories (as make believe as you can imagine) she still assisted me in my time of need. I knew then that she was a genuine, kind hearted and caring individual. She had known my Ex-husband many years prior to our marriage they had worked together and were friends. They had started texting and visiting each other well before our separation. He cried to her and shared his “woe is me” stories. She believed I was an adultery, abusive, unloving, selfish and cruel woman. Regardless, he and I both wanted the divorce. He had a new mark and had to sell his story, had to convince her that he was moving on with her and that I was a horrible person that he needed her to recuse him from this marriage. At the time; being grateful for her assistance I signed over the Life insurance I had been paying for the last year during our separation to her and she continued payments on that policy. It was not much as his health was filled with septic joint infections and multiple surgeries by 2015 when we married; that we were not able to get much coverage and it was expensive for what was able to be provided. I knew that policy but it would be enough for a service and final expenses for him as I knew it would be needed if he kept going on the same path he was running down.

I visited my therapist today. I asked him if he thought visiting the nursing home where my Ex-Husband now lie waiting to die, paralyzed on his right side, unable to yell, kick, scream, throw things and slam doors as he did in our marriage; if a visit would bring me any peace from the pain he caused. He told me that my peace is within myself. The peace of knowing I made it out of that marriage and now have the life I wanted. I now have a partner who is truly my better half and calms my storms. Seeing that man again would only cause more pain. He’s right. My ex-husband’s wife told me before last week; when she could still make out some words he was trying to say; that he remunerated to her his hate for me. His anger to her was immense for speaking with me, learning truths from his daughter, his sisters and from me. She regretted believing all the lies he told her about me, his adult children and other members of his family. I explained to her that he isolated her from his family so he could keep the charade and image he had carefully crafted and presented to her with cherries on top.

His third wife and I have grown close since June. Comparing cliff notes from the alcoholic husband abuse manual that neither of us had studied for. We were unprepared. Just like me she had informed him prior to his 30 day jail sentence that she wanted a divorce. She no longer wanted to ride the roller coaster of his alcoholism driven narcissism. She had told him when he got out of jail he would not be welcome to return to her son’s home where they lived. She was done. His last DUI had caused her to incur considerable debt a vehicle loan to pay for a totaled car, DUI attorney fees and previous attorney fees from his DUI he received on my property in 2020 when he was trespassing. By that time when he got that DUI she knew she had been taken, she knew he was an alcoholic and an abuser. She had experienced things thrown at her, doors slammed, empty threats, manipulation, intimidation, being screamed at constantly, humiliation and degradation. She also had the pleasure of picking her husband up off the floor after he has lost consciousness due to his drinking only to watch him leave to drink more. The similarities in our marriages were uncanny. The way he presented himself as the victim were identical. The empathy he received from her as he had received from me years prior.

In some ways as we compared the cliff note versions of our marriages to the same alcoholic husband I wondered if in the 8 years I was with him if I ever really knew him. Had the 3 years before we got married and his alcoholism all been worthy of an academy award performance? Who was he really? Did he ever have the ability to be truthfully and accept fault from his first marriage of 20 years ending in divorce? I had found out only recently that when we lived at this apartment complex in 2012-2014; the maintenance man would see him cleaning out his full truck bed of beer cans into the dumpster. Even then at the beginning he was a master manipulator and hid his alcoholism until his body won’t let him hide it anymore. Until his skin turned bright yellow, he couldn’t eat and his abdomen filled with ascites fluid. Even then, he still lied about drinking. Now I know for sure he was a sociopath and an alcoholic. Now I know the abuse ends with his third wife. He will not manipulate and victimize another woman. It pains me to know he is not able to know his daughter’s love, kiss his grandbabies, make up with his adult son, go hunting in the mountains and fishing in the river. He won’t know that we all loved him as hard as we could, gave up pieces of ourselves; sacrificed time, energy and money; all in great efforts for him to be sober, healthy and happy. “Till death do us part” has a whole new meaning for me now. His death will mean an end to his suffering through his alcoholism, cancer and the last 12 years of severe pain. His death for me will mean I need to forgive him as I forgave my Father; for he knows not what he has done.