It’s been an eternity since I posted in this blog. I could think of many excuses; validation of reasons why I haven’t dedicated a few moments to creating in this space. It would all be complete bullshit. As my Alcoholic Father used to say; “You can’t bullshit a bullshitter!” I won’t attempt to either. As I reflect on 2022; the first seven months spent in a on again off again cycle of abuse, codependency and fake love for the drug addicted, narcissistic ex boyfriend… I finally feel safe now. Finally free in some ways of codependency, unhealthy relationships with an ex boyfriend crack addict or the ex husband alcoholic. I’ve limited my energy greatly on social media, with certain people, things and places that cause the feelings of dread to rise from the depths of my soul. If someone would have told me that I would be spending New Years Eve with a safe man, hearing that I’m beautiful, amazing and loved… I wouldn’t have believed it. My brain still can’t comprehend feeling worthy to have that type of relationship with a man. My body still suffers from the trauma of being on edge with my words, thoughts, actions, body language and expressions. Worried that the next action will trigger a series of events that would lead to this relationship ending as the others have; crash, burn, codependency and feeling insignificant and unworthy of love. As I sit here, on his couch this New Years Day and look back to when I started this blog in 2020; I feel slightly healed. Not because some magic man appeared and healed me… No… I have worked to help myself. I have worked to set healthy boundaries.

Feeling safe has to do with my boundaries. I will never allow someone again in my life or around my son who has dependency on drugs or alcohol. I will never allow myself to make excuses for someone’s behavior. I will have my safe space at my home. I will not allow a man to move in and take over my life, living off of me, having me pay his bills, wash his clothes, care for his kids, buy his groceries, pack his lunches, call his attorney to help him, work with his ex girlfriend to “coparent” his kids, provide vehicles and transportation so he can get a job and work to pay his child support all the while not even offering me a dime towards expenses. I will never allow a man or anyone to guilt or manipulate me with their narcissistic behavior.

Feeling safe has to do with knowing WHAT you want in a partner. I told my partner that I want to be talked to in a certain way, I want to be held, I want to be treated as a lady, I want to be taken out to dinner, introduced openly to family and friends, respected and have complete communication to be able to build trust. I provided this honesty and direct communication as I refuse to “guess” or pretend to be happy just to go along and get along.

I finally feel safe friends and it’s the warmest, kindest and gentle love I’ve had in this lifetime so far. I pray you get to experience that as well.